Chapter Text
Karkat was impressed. It was a rare feeling for him, to have a conversation with a human that didn’t get uncomfortable or irritating within a few minutes. Dave Strider was alright for his kind, decently smart, appreciably funny. Karkat noticed they’d been staring at one another a lot during their meeting, likely because each was so alien to the other.
Dave’s flesh was a copper sort of color, his tresses glossy and pale bordering on white. Karkat was taller than him, but only by a few inches. The short difference wouldn’t last – Karkat still had one molt to go.
Humans were so squishy, he couldn’t help but think as he packed away his bag to return to his hive for the night. Dave didn’t look weak, he was muscular and walked with a sort of swagger that spoke volumes about his confidence around other people. But Karkat had sort of wanted to poke his cheeks and hair, and had briefly considered asking about it, before realizing that was probably the worst thing he could ask.
It had been really nice to talk for so long with a human that didn’t ask about his blood color, or who rolled their eyes when he used troll terms for things, or who asked to touch his horns of all things. Though Karkat didn’t really miss Alternia much at all, he did miss blending into crowds.
Sure, he was a mutant that was in danger of being culled if he was found out, but since trolls wore mostly black, he didn’t stand out when he was in a group.
So long as he didn’t get cut anywhere, that was. He’d had a few close calls as a kid, and when Alternia offered a transportalizer for brave-hearted trolls to take up jobs as ambassadors to encourage good trade relations, Karkat got a passport and social security number as soon as he turned eighteen in human years. Feferi Peixes was next in line to be the Condesce, and he just hoped that their current one would get killed before she tried to conquer earth.
Karkat walked out of the building and was surprised to see Dave pacing around and prattling to someone over the phone. For a guy that had the appearance of an arrogant douche, he babbled a lot. It was sort of endearing.
“...Hell if I know. I wasn’t gonna probe around in the guy’s business like a squirrel nosing around for a goddamn nut. I’m nowhere near that nut. sh*t’s outta my grasp like that little f*cker from those Ice Age movies.”
Dave chortled to himself, but then recoiled at whatever was said on the other line.
“What? No. What? He’s – no. Go write some horny wizard stories if you’re not gonna put a goddamn cap on your weirdly psychosexual accusations.” Dave hung up. “Flighty broad.”
Karkat had to go in the direction that Dave was currently standing in the path of, so he waited for the man to leave so he could avoid the clumsy interaction where two individuals would say goodbye before bumping into each other again, making the previous farewell moot.
“Of course she’s gotta bring in the horsesh*t from minute one, can’t catch a f*ckin’ break with the chick. Ya come out and then it’s all about getting dick. All Freudian croutons sprinkled over a cobb salad guzzling ranch dressing like a thirsty cowboy, snake in his boot allocated in a coquettish little coil over his snatch basket and primed to f*cking bite.” Dave griped to no one.
Karkat had no idea what the hell he was talking about.
“Don’t matter if there’s a whole-ass history to the cowboy, or that he might gotta load of hobbies underneath that goddamn sheath of rippling muscle. sh*t, maybe his belt boa goes on the f*ckin’ backburner when the cowboy is tryin’ to get his act together. Put it in a f*ckin’ lineup, no, line it down – cut it clean cross the table so it can be snorted hard in one flash of a f*ckin’ motion. Like I’m contemplating some unreal hunger for bratwurst when I’m kosher as a f*cking rabbi on Shabbat while I’m working my hide off to keep a scholarship under lock and key. I’m the king of chill. No one’s gotten me hot an’ bothered since I was in my third year and that ain’t –”
Alright, enough was enough, Karkat wanted to go home already. Karkat tapped his shoulder.
“Uh, Dave –?”
But Dave caught his wrist, yanking him off balance, and had his knuckles against his windpipe so fast that Karkat’s gaze couldn’t even track the movement.
“Oh sh*t. sh*t, Karkat, sorry.” Dave jerked his hands back and Karkat rubbed his jugular, surprised. “Oh f*ck, don’t fire me, it was instinct.”
“Don’t worry about it. You move pretty f*cking quickly for a human. I’ll just shout at you next time. I’ve got a really loud voice.”
Dave kneaded at his chest with his fingertips, letting out a low whistle.
“f*ck, that startled me. Sorry again, seriously. When I visit my brother the f*cker usually taps me like that to fake me out, just kickstarts the adrenaline.” And Dave snapped his fingers for emphasis.
“I still don’t get how human ‘familial units’ work, but is violence from your custodian also a thing for humans?” Karkat asked, curious. “I figured it was a troll trait, learning to survive by battling our lusii daily.”
“Hah, uh, it’s not the norm I guess? Dunno, I’m on good terms with my cousin, and have other friends, but my family is a weird situation. It’s just me and my bro for one. But from what I’ve gathered, nah, it ain’t – it’s not a human culture commonality or whatever.”
“Well, it’s good. You’d probably have made for a decent troll.”
Dave shrugged, stepping aside to let Karkat pass.
“See you.”
And he left.
CG: HEY KANAYA.
CG: SOLLUX TOLD ME YOU CAME DOWN.
CG: SINCE f*ckING WHEN?
GA: A While Ago
GA: Did I Forget To Tell You
GA: When Did We Last Talk
CG: LAST WEEK?
GA: Alright It May Have Eluded Me
GA: In Fairness
GA: There Have Been A Number Of Things That Transpired That Somewhat Caught Me Off Guard
GA: And Additionally Some Matters That I Was Not Entirely Sure How To Convey
GA: If We Are Sticking To The Realm Of Convenience Then It May Be Wiser For Me To Abstain In Sharing It
GA: Because You Can Be Vaguely Reactive To New Information
CG: ARE YOU CALLING ME DRAMATIC.
GA: Yes
GA: It Is Not A Bad Quality
GA: Just
GA: Sometimes A Little Much
CG: ALRIGHT, f*ckING UNNECESSARY BUT WHATEVER.
CG: JUST TELL ME.
GA: I Have A Matesprit
GA: I Met Her Two Sweeps Ago When I Came To Visit You
GA: Things May Or May Not Have Developed From There
CG: YOU f*ckING WHAT?!
CG: HOLY sh*t.
CG: WHAT???
CG: I DIDN'T SEE ANY f*ckING OTHER TROLLS WHEN YOU LAST CAME!
CG: IT WAS f*ckING BARREN TO THE POINT OF GENUINE DISCOMFORT!
CG: MY SWOLLEN f*ckING PHLEGM LOBE WAS CLOSE TO BURSTING FROM THE CEASELESSLY GAWPING GANDERBULBS BULGING FROM THE PASTY LITANY OF SCRAWNY HUMAN sh*tPILES WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN SCRATCH THEIR SHAME GLOBES IN PUBLIC UNDER THE BAKING INFERNO OF THE STUPID f*ckING HUMAN SUN!
CG: WHERE THE f*ck DID YOU FIND A MATESPRIT IN ALL THAT???
GA: See This Is Why I Had The Desire To Abstain From Mentioning It
GA: Not That I Dont Appreciate The Imagery
GA: Its
GA: Um
GA: Vivid
CG: THESE AREN'T MY NORMAL THEATRICS BEING SPOUTED FROM MY FECULENT WINDHOLE KANAYA!
CG: IT'S, SURPRISE! REALLY f*ckING LONELY DOWN HERE!
CG: I'VE GOT 14 SWEEPS UNDER MY BELT AND IT'S APPROACHING 15.
CG: BEING TREATED LIKE AN EXOTIC f*ckING SPECTACLE GETS A LITTLE OLD!
GA: Shes A Human
CG: WHAT?
GA: She Isnt A Troll
GA: Shes A Human
CG: WHAT??
CG: I'M SORRY, I THINK I MUST HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD.
CG: HAS YOUR SPONGE f*ckING CALCIFIED???
CG: YOU'RE THE MOST PUT-TOGETHER OUR OF EVERYONE WE KNOW AND YOU'RE DATING.
CG: A f*ckING.
CG: HUMAN.
CG: WOMAN?
GA: Yes That Is What I Said
GA: Well
GA: Not The Specific Definition Of Calling Her A Human Woman
GA: But I Dont Suppose Delving Into Semantics Will Do Me Much Good Here
GA: I Dont See The Issue
CG: IT'S JUST!
CG: IT'S NOT AN ISSUE!
CG: I GUESS?
CG: I MEAN IT'S f*ckING *INSANE*, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
CG: BUT THERE'S...
CG: I MEAN?
CG: THERE'S A *HUGE* CULTURAL DIVIDE THERE!
CG: A f*ckING CANYON OF A DIVIDE, KANAYA!
GA: I Can Hear You Short Circuiting So I Will Do My Best To Clarify
GA: Although I Dont Know Why Its Particularly Necessary
GA: I Never Held Anything Against Humans First And Foremost
GA: Their Fashion Sense Is Good
GA: They Have Some Fascinating Literature
GA: And She Happens To Have Similar Interests
GA: Its Not As Though Humans Are Entirely Dissimilar From Us Physiologically
GA: I Mean There Are Hurdles
GA: But If They Looked Like Moobeasts Or Nibble Vermin Then They Probably Wouldnt Have Any Draw
GA: We Would See Them As Animals And So That Would Be All There Was To It
GA: But Their Shape And Size Is Relatively Close To Our Own
GA: And Some Have Pleasant Facial Features
CG: SO YOU'RE RED FOR A HUMAN BECAUSE SHE'S HOT?
CG: THEY'RE MAMMALS!
CG: IT'S... UGH, sh*t.
CG: SORRY.
CG: I'M BEING A f*ckING CUMRAG WHEN YOU'VE ACTUALLY MET SOMEONE.
GA: Dare I Ask What A Cumrag Happens To Be
CG: DARE NOT PROBABLY. HUMAN INSULT. I HEARD IT FROM ONE OF MY STUDENTS AND LOOKED IT UP.
CG: SO UH?
CG: WHAT'S SHE LIKE?
GA: Well She Is Silly And Loquacious And Performs A Lot Of Human Sarcasm
GA: But I Like Those Things
GA: I Feel Very Seen Around Her
GA: She Is Constantly Asking About Our Culture And Trying To Learn
GA: Which I Cannot Help But Find Extremely Charming
GA: She Is Trying To Learn To Read Alternian
CG: HUH.
CG: ALRIGHT, THAT'S NOT BAD.
CG: SO WAIT.
CG: YOU'RE IN TEXAS? LIKE, NEARBY?
GA: Im Not Very Familiar With The Area As Of Yet
GA: But I Believe So
CG: COME TO f*ckING VISIT THEN!
CG: sh*t, COME WHILE I'M TEACHING!
CG: ONE TROLL, IT COULD BE A FLUKE -
CG: BUT BRING IN *TWO* OF THEM?
CG: WE'LL HAVE A FIASCO.
CG: BRING YOUR MATESPRIT.
CG: I WON'T SCARE HER OFF.
GA: She Knows You
GA: Or Of You Anyway
GA: I Showed Her A Photo
GA: She Says You Sound Nice
CG: CAN I GET THE UNTRANSLATED EDITION?
CG: BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE BUTTERING MY BONE BULGE HERE.
GA: She Says You Sound Like Her Cousin
GA: I Have No Idea What A Cousin Is
GA: Apparently Its The Offspring Of Their Progenitors Sibling
GA: Basically One Of Their Human Family Members
CG: IS HER COUSIN A TOOL?
GA: Let Me Ask
CG: ...
CG: HOLY sh*t YOU'RE TAKING A WHILE.
GA: Sorry She Told A Joke
GA: Her Cousin Is Apparently An Insufferable Prick
GA: But In A Really Good Way
GA: Which Is Almost Precisely How Everyone Would Describe You
GA: So I Needed A Moment
CG: WOW, f*ck YOU.
CG: JUST BRING HER OVER!
CG: DOES SHE EAT NORMAL FOOD?
CG: INSTEAD OF THE f*ckING RICEARONI HUMANS EAT.
GA: Shes Tried A Few Things
GA: She Said They Were Interesting
GA: But You Dont Have To Do Anything
CG: WHATEVER, MY NEW ASSISTANT IS A HUMAN.
CG: I'LL ASK HIM FOR HELP.
GA: Is That His Job To Do
CG: I'M A PROFESSOR AND HE'S MY f*ckING ASSISTANT.
CG: SO HE CAN *ASSIST* ME IN BEING HOSPITABLE TO YOU AND YOUR MATESPRIT.
CG: NOW I'VE GOT TO GRADE A METRIC f*ckTON OF EGREGIOUSLY PAN-MELDING ESSAYS BEFORE THEY GAIN SENTIENCE AND TRY TO f*ckING KILL ME.
CG: SO I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
GA: Talk To You Soon
GA: Good Luck With The Pan-Melding Essays
CG: OH UH.
CG: AND CONGRATS.
CG: ON, YOU KNOW.
CG: FINDING SOMEONE.
CG: IT'S GOOD YOU'RE HAPPY.
CG: ALRIGHT, BYE.
Karkat turned his attention to the stack of papers on his desk. Dave had offered to be his TA for Alternian History, which would be a huge help, but Karkat was already prepared to ventilate his skull with the amount of work, and he, unlike Dave, wasn’t taking any classes.
“Maybe I should just change the f*cking syllabus.” Karkat groaned, pressing his fingers into his eyes. “No essays, just like, two sh*ttingly easy exams…”
But Karkat had an issue with that. If even a few humans properly registered the things he taught, then more trolls could live on earth without it being constantly uncomfortable. Then again, hadn’t Dave basically said that humans thrived on sh*t-stirring? At least the Hemospectrum made a modicum of sense. Lower castes were treated terribly, Karkat knew that firsthand, but he came from a species that propagated war across galaxies in order to conquer every habitable planet. They had to be physically capable just to live past their wriggling day, and lower castes were more physically and mentally susceptible to the control of the higher castes.
But on earth? Everything was for power, and to make money. Was there a right way to go here?
Karkat grunted at himself. He was just a mutant-blooded college professor. It was above his paygrade, literally and figuratively, to give a sh*t about these things. He would teach his subject and try to get people interested. If Kanaya had a human matesprit, anything was possible. They could learn. Did humans have quadrants? They certainly had the capacity for red relationships.
But Karkat had encountered a problem with quadrants himself that existed long before he came to earth. He loved reading about them, or watching romance movies, but when it came to himself…
He always vacillated. All of his past partners had gotten insanely confused with him. One moment he would act like their moirail, the next their matesprit, sometimes even running pitch and hate-flirting. And they all said he was nice, but that he needed to figure his sh*t out. It wasn’t fair for one individual to be swung around different quadrants.
Karkat pinched the bridge of his nose, a chittering sound of frustration fluttering from his thoratic struts. He didn’t have time to act like an idiot. He stretched, picked up his pen, and started grading.
It was around five in the morning when he was done, checking his phone. He’d had a few missed calls from an unknown number. Karkat realized he’d put it on silent. One of the calls was only a few minutes prior, so he tapped the number and put it to his ear.
“Hey, Karkat. I figured you’d still be up.”
“Oh, Dave. Yeah, I wrapped up for the night. Did you have a question?”
“Yeah, or like, I had like, a small, easy-to-ignore suggestion.”
Karkat almost snorted at how reluctant Dave’s tone was.
“I’m not going to fire you for not bullsh*tting me.” He rolled his head, yawning. “What were you thinking?”
“Uh. Alright, so, look, I’ve read your ratings online. Technically I should’ve done it before I met you, but I didn’t know your name. You’ve got insanely good ratings. People love you, dude.”
Karkat blinked, his eyebrows tightening.
“Don’t lick my nook, f*ckwad.” Karkat snapped, but then remembered that Dave wasn’t Sollux or Gamzee. “Oh sh*t, sorry, you’re – I’m exhausted, man, I forgot who I was talking to.” But Dave belted out a laugh. It was a nice sound. Deep and velvety. Soothing.
“Haha, you’re good. It’s cool, I mean we’re both at home, so f*ck professional guidelines. It’s not like I’m uptight about dropping an f-bomb every other sentence. Anyway, I’m not, uh, ‘licking your nook’ whatever that means – you’re a damn good professor. Like these are genuinely nice-ass compliments. You apparently give sick lectures, you support your students, give good feedback – but you’re shooting yourself in the foot with the papers. If people are actually f*ckin’ listening to your lectures and you give ‘em credit based on their engagement, maybe throw in some short reflection reports after class instead of constant homework, people are gonna remember the things you say instead of some random research paper. I sure as f*ck don’t remember jack about my essays.”
“f*ck, me neither, really. Although I am a lot older than you, so my memory could be at fault.”
“Huh? How old are you man?”
“About thirty-two in your stupid human years.”
"Hah! Man, I’m twenty-six! How old did you think I was?”
Karkat winced, embarrassed.
“Uh. Like twenty.”
"And be a grad student? I’d be a f*cking prodigy, professor. Would’ve started college as a baby-faced teenager, all bright eyed and prancing around, excited about the world.”
"You’re literally all of those things aside of being a – a teenager? Aside of that.”
"Oh, now you’ve gone and done it.” Dave began in a deadpan, and Karkat started cackling. “Do you want me to show you my taxes, Vantas? Do you want to hear about my slow and begrudging realization that I’m a cog in a machine in a country that doesn’t care? I used to be obsessed with presidents and thought I was gonna make it in the big time, do you wanna bro down about some f*ckin' disillusionment?”
"f*ck, f*ck, I get it!” Karkat wheezed, shaking his head. “Fine! You’re an adult human male, you just look like a wriggler.”
“Jesus Christ, you think you know a guy,” Dave was now pretending to sniffle dramatically on the other end. “And he comes after your looks–”
“Shut up, holy sh*t!” Karkat slapped his desk, choking on his laughter. “I f*cking wasn’t!”
“– the very essence of your being. Mama warned me I’d never find a man who loved this face, and ohh, she was right! I’ll never be the southern belle I wanted to be! ‘Oh lil Davey, oh my sweet pecan pie, ya just gotta face facts, baby! Ya gotta find a blind fella, otherwise you’ll grow up a spinster! Curse your uncle Phillip and his dadgum protracted jowls, curtaining the floor like a nightie for those bitter-cold, seventy-degree winter months!’ Mama told me not to use those jowls of mine as a scarf, but gracious me I just wouldn’t listen –!”
“I – don’t – know – half – these – words-s-s!” Karkat was clutching his abdomen, worried he was going to vomit from laughing too hard.
“Shh, it’ll kill the magic. All you need to know is I’m cursed with snuggie jowls. I can wrap myself in them like a fleshy cardigan.”
Dave gave Karkat a reprieve to catch his breath, his red-hued tears staining one of his lesson plans.
"f*ck, I nearly lost my dinner.” Karkat heaved, still giggling. “That accent, is that native just to this area?”
"Different states in the southern half of the U.S. have variations of it. But I’m a born and raised Texan, that was more of a Georgia accent. I wouldn’t have had to use it if my boss didn’t come after my face.”
"Oh f*ck you, I’m not your boss. I don’t even know if I can fire you. I mean, I guess I could request you to be moved at best, but you wouldn’t lose your place as a grad student.”
"Alright, just gonna breeze past my crippling insecurity about my appearance? I get it. I got a mug only a mother could love, and I don’t even have a mom.”
“I don’t know what makes a human good looking. You’re very squishy.”
“Oh you bastard. If you’re not my boss, and we’re more equals than anything, I’m about to go second amendment all over your ass. I’ve worked too damn hard to buff out these limbs of mine to have my honor, my dignity –”
Karkat cut Dave off before he could start up again.
"Not like you’re thinking, idiot. Humans are soft and fragile. I’m not even a blueblood and one slash from my claws would have your throat torn out. It’s f*cking scary. How am I supposed to gauge whether a human is attractive? I’d be too concerned about f*cking killing them by accident. That’s what I mean.”
“So you’re tellin’ me none of y’all have a hankerin’ for that sweet, sweet earthling poon?”
“Alright, I don’t know that word, but I’m going to assume it’s something similar to what I said earlier, so I’ll give you a break. It’s not impossible, it’s just hard for me to imagine. But a friend of mine is dating a human, and she’s attracted to her, so I guess some of us are xenophiles.”
“Wait. She’s attracted to her?”
"Why are you repeating sh*t back to me?”
"Is your friend a lesbian? Bisexual?”
Karkat was stripping off his clothes to go to his recuperacoon but faltered.
"Those... Oh, right. You have those weird names for it. Trolls are all pansexual, we generally date regardless of gender. Some people have a preference, but it’s not given a name. In Alternia if someone keeps hitting on you, and you want them to stop, you don’t really need to give an excuse, you can just kill them. Oh, unless you’re a lowblood, then you’re f*cked. Well. You know what, I take it back, if you kill them and they’re not important then it’s probably fine. I read about a gold-blood killing a cerulean and he didn’t get into any trouble.”
“Alright, this is morbidly hilarious in a sad way, but I actually wasn’t hung up about the gay thing – your friend is a troll, and she’s a woman, right?”
"Yeah, Strider, she’s a troll and she’s a woman, what about it?”
"And she’s dating a human woman?”
"Yeah. It’s ridiculous. How does anything work with a human? And where are your kismesissitudes? Your romance movies are sorely f*cking lacking. They’re all redroms, and they’re boring as f*ck.”
"Karkat, you’re great and I’d be damn tickled to hear your feelings on romcoms or whatever, but this friend is in Texas, right? With this human woman? That she is dating?”
“Calm your f*cking shame globes, man, yes she – wait. How did you know she was in Texas?”
"That’s my cousin! That’s my human goddamn cousin! Holy sh*t, small f*cking world. You guys are literally aliens, and my cousin, Rose, isn’t even from Texas, she’s from New York, and your friend is dating her.”
Karkat balked, chittering again, getting a headache.
“Whoa. Did you make that sound?”
"Yeah. Because I told Kanaya to bring her matesprit to meet me. And now you’re weirdly entangled in this. It’s awkward.”
“sh*t sounded between a cicada and like, a lion purring. Wild. An’ it’s not all that awkward. Rose and I are chill. Kills two birds with one sword, right? You meet Rose, and I meet, uh –?”
“Kanaya.”
“Yeah, and I meet Kanaya. You approve of Rose, I approve of Kanaya, everyone’s happy, we smash a plate on the ground like a f*cking boisterous Greek wedding. Nothin’ awkward about it.”
Karkat slid into his recuperacoon, his phone protected by a waterproof case in case his hand slipped.
"Isn’t it weird to you?”
He had to ask, because Karkat was still reeling from everything, and Dave made a noncommittal humming sound.
“I dunno, not really. Rose was already weird. All of my friends are. sh*t, I think everyone is weird some way or a f*cking other. She’s kinda flighty and always goin’ on about some psychology garbage, but she’s also more in touch with her feelings than she was when we were kids. She’s a pretty well-known author now. If she fell in love, she fell in love. Rose probably gave your friend the runaround for a while before she decided to quit being cagey and lock sh*t down.”
“But...” Karkat almost voiced his internal conflict about quadrants but kept it to himself. He didn’t want to talk about it with Dave. They got along well, but his romantic issues were... Personal.
“...But you were mentioning something about the syllabus, right? We got way off track.”
"Oh f*ck, Jesus you’re right. I’m so sorry. Yeah, I was saying, since we’re teaching this class together, why don’t you try nixing the papers as an experiment? Chuck those bad boys out of the requirements. You’re charismatic as f*ck, Karkat, so use it man. You want those crusty, ancient humans on top to give you more creative control? Take it for yourself. Your species is all about conquering, right? Conquer the sh*t outta your classroom. Engage with those wriggler students or however you see ‘em. You’re the big man, you HAVE the rock.”
“You’re so f*cking stupid.” Karkat chuckled. “Alright. Sure. It’s not a huge class, so I’ll give it a shot. Who knows, maybe I’ll reduce the workload if I see improved performance. Now I’m gonna settle into my slime and go the f*ck to sleep.”
“I’ll follow up on the slime sh*t later, then. Later.”
“Bye.”
Karkat turned off his phone, threw it to the floor, and drifted into a peaceful slumber.
